dir: David DeCoteau
As a gay lover of the B-picture (and Z-picture), David DeCoteau's career has fascinated me. When I was a wee tyke, I fell in love with a mildly craptacular movie titled Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama. It's a old 80s horror movie with Linnea Quigley about a magical imp chasing around girls in a closed bowling alley. It's really amazing and terrible.
For the first part of DeCoteau's career, he directed a whole slew of crappy exploitation horror movies for straight audiences. Nightmare Sisters, Beach Babes From Beyond, Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000, etc. Most of these movies were under pseudonyms like Ellen Cabot. In 1997, DeCoteau started coming out of the closet, and directed, under his own name, The Journey: Absolution, which is a terrible movie filled with naked women and wanton homoeroticism starring Mario Lopez, Richard Greico, and Jaime Pressley. Oh yeah, you know you're curious now.
In 2000, he made the gay homoerotic movie that would be seen as the start of his own brand of homoerotic horror movies, Voodoo Academy. After that, he started churning out a whole bunch of horror movies that featured hot men in speedos and terrible acting. The Brotherhood, Wolves of Wall Street, Beastly BoyZ, and my favorite, Leeches!, among others. And, soon after that well dried up, he started down a path of two styles. One is the inept family friendly series that is either A [holiday] [animal], or !?!. Such fine examples are A Talking Cat!?!, My Stepbrother is a Vampire!?!, and An Easter Bunny Puppy. The second path is the 1313 series, which is a Warhol-esque ode to men in their underwear.
Now, none of this is actually any good. The 1313 series is barely entertainment. He's made 12 of them in the space of 2 years. So, that should tell you something. Now and then, DeCoteau is doing something interesting. And, if you dig deep enough into Bigfoot Island, you might be able to find a kernel of something...until he kills it with a weird and misogynistic final scene.
The first hour of Bigfoot Island consists of twinks walking, running, canoeing, suntanning, and showering...frequently shirtless. Now, that sounds like a lot of fun, usually. But, we're talking about one-at-a-time walking, running, canoeing, suntanning, or showering.
The first four minutes of the movie are establishing shots, including a completely captivating shot of a car ferry deck. No actors. No dialogue. 3 title cards. And all forest.
The next 4 minutes are of some shirtless twink walking.
Then we get a phone call with him saying he's early to...something. And, he's going to help clean...once he's done with all this walking in the forest.
Then a brief shot of a girl stalking the guy and a flashback to him saying something about sugar to her.
Then back to him walking and being watched in the forest, with periodic growling.
So, now we're 13 minutes in and you're starting to wonder if this is some new fetish of a guy walking shirtless through the forest with people growling at him. Actually...
Then you get a shot of a guy in a cheap Bigfoot suit dart past.
For another 3 minutes we get more twink walking in the forest.
So, now we're 16 minutes into a 72 minute movie. And, it's been a twink walking, making a single phone call, a flashback about sugar, and a darting glimpse of Bigfoot. And a lot of forest.
Finally, we get a chase sequence.
That
Lasts
For
2
More
Minutes.
And wham...Bigfoot bitchslaps the guy, and then we cut to a guy in a cabin.
18+ minutes of establishing shots and one twink walking around. And then a bitchslap. BAM!
And that's the summary of what you experience in 1313. One guy takes a shower and THEN goes running with his shirt on (dude, you shower AFTER you go running). Another guy goes canoeing (with a shirt on!), and then goes suntanning after removing his shirt. He also gets killed by Canoe To The Head. Then there's a bit of chase me chase me with the final two guys, the last one of which gets a little bit more off-screen mauling. And that's the surface of the first hour.
Oh, and that girl I mentioned earlier? She's the one summoning Bigfoot. And, we're led to believe that this is a rape-revenge movie, without showing the original rape. Yes, folks, this is a rape revenge movie that is included in a Bigfoot movie.
EXCEPT...
In the final scene, DeCoteau has the girl confront the shower guy, who is her friend. And, she says that he saved her from being raped. So, she was harassed pretty hardcore. Apparently they were on top of her too. And, then he rescued her. I mean, being sexually assaulted is pretty bad, but is it Bigfoot bitchslap death to five guys bad?
And, then, to throw extra Bitches B Crazy fuel to this twist, the only way shower boy gets to live is if he stays on the island with her and abandons his school, friends, and family. Otherwise, he'll get bitchslapped to death too.
And, that's the end.
Dread Central has a minute by minute account of the movie, and it's pretty hysterical. Especially because I was texting with a friend while watching this, and my texts exactly mirrored his review. "I wish this guy would die! He's kind of muscley but all he's been doing is walking for like 12 minutes." "Oooo, we're changing it up a bit. The new guy is in a canoe now. And, he's not shirtless. He's a rebel." "Never mind. But, at least he's not walking. He's just suntanning."
Is this movie worth it? No. Is it saying anything? A bit.
It may be trying to say that sexual assault is as traumatic as rape. Or, that women are crazy. But, is it worth it? I dunno. Do you like watching twinks hike silently in the woods with lush forestry? If so, this is the movie for you!
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